In Another Place
by ShiningSugar14
Summary: Crack humor about the Tsviets! Mostly AU, because it's very difficult to get crack humor out of them in canon. T because Rosso might come up.
1. Shelke: Missing Persons and Cotton Candy

Inspired by a random conversation on Livejournal. I own nothing.

* * *

Shelke stared out at the sea of passers-by. None of them were the conspicuous group she was looking for. Suddenly, there was a crackle followed by a man's voice.

"Missing child: Female, 4'10", orange hair. Answers to Shelke Rui. If anyone-"

Shelke glared at the Missing Persons booth where Weiss and Nero stood, hands over their mouths, suppressing laughter. "That was one of the most unnecessary things you've ever done. Cupcake incident inclusive."

"Weiss posted it."

To spare himself, Weiss mock-weakly held a bag of cotton candy out. Shelke cursed her adoration of the fluffy sugar as she forgave them.


	2. Azul: Supervision

I love Chem Lab. I love the Tsviets. Idea was taken from a conversation with **ReadingChick** on LJ.

* * *

Every day, without fail, Azul managed to break about three test tubes during Chem Lab and every day, without fail, Weiss would complete his assignment with a blasé face and a 100% grade.

These occurrences would happen every single Tuesday morning and Thursday afternoon respectively until a cold kept Weiss out of class for his Tuesday lab and he was forced to make it up that Thursday. Worse yet, they were paired off as partners.

Azul had begun to work on the lab, filling a beaker with what appeared to be about 25 mL of Sodium Hydroxide until Weiss noticed exactly what he was doing.

"_What_ exactly are you doing?"

"Step one," Azul rumbled.

"No, look here." Weiss pointed at the instructions on the lab manual. "Twenty-five mL, you see. You've gone over by at least ten or so." Weiss shook his head. "Let me do it." This was typical and Azul, figuring that Weiss also subscribed to the traditional "Big guy, small brain" theory of education, sat back and prepared to be ordered about the lab.

Instead, Weiss motioned for him to come closer and Azul cocked an eyebrow. Weiss looked up at him. "Well, do you want to learn how to do this right or not?" Azul scrambled off his stool to observe how Weiss was measuring the materials.

* * *

"Quiet in lab today," Yuffie Kisaragi said, by way of trying to make small talk to the impassive, yet irresistible, Vincent Valentine.

Rather than his stoic silence, Vincent gave a small smirk. "It's because Weiss transferred into this class."

"Weiss? Oh, that guy?" Yuffie identified a man with platinum hair, surrounded by five-or-so other people. "What's so special about him being in the class?"

"He supervises," Vincent said, shrugging it off.


	3. Shelke and Avalanche: Facts of Life

What's this? Canon? In my repertoire?

This idea has been in my head for a while now.

I don't own Final Fantasy 7, Dirge of Cerberus, or the concept of the Eel Story (which belongs, as far as I know, to Memoirs of a Geisha).

* * *

Facts of Life

Collectively, they had been tittering about it for a good month. Occasionally, out of the small huddle of people up by the bar, someone would glance and Shelke and then immediately go back to whispering. Whenever her name was mentioned, often with phrases like, "too young," and "technically," Shelke would look up with mild interest but would usually go back to her laptop.

Eventually, after four weeks of this, Cid's outburst of, "Lets just see what freaking takes already!" caught Shelke's full attention as Yuffie was unceremoniously shoved out of the huddle. The girl stumbled over to the booth Shelke was sitting at, muttering and rubbing the back of her neck.

"Uh… Hi, Shelke."

"Hello, Yuffie." Judging from Yuffie's posture, she was nervous about whatever she had been assigned to speak about.

"Uhm… L-Listen, we need to have a talk."

"Very well." Shelke looked at Yuffie impassively.

"I… Okay…" Yuffie sat down backwards on the chair across from Shelke and leaned on the back of it, bouncing her leg up and down. "Alright… So… Uh… Man… Okay…" Shelke raised an eyebrow. Hopefully, at the end of that preamble, Yuffie would release her point.

"I… God, Vincent!" Yuffie got up and out of the chair, hurrying back to the others. "Vince, there's no way I can give this talk by myself!" There was a murmur of Vincent's voice, too far for Shelke's voice to hear clearly. After a moment, Yuffie came back, this time pulling Cloud along with her. (Vincent stood away from the crowd as a whole with a rather content smile on his face.)

Seemingly renewed by the presence of another person in the conversation, Yuffie began again. "Shelke, look, there comes a time in every woman's life where… Uh… Man… Okay, look, I'm gonna tell you a story, alright?"

"Okay."

"Once upon a time, there was an eel."

"What sort of eel?" Shelke, who had started learning about various types of marine life, was particularly fascinated by the ones she hadn't seen.

"That's not the point, Shelke. Anyway, this eel-"

"I find it difficult to imagine the scenario without picturing a specific type of eel."

Yuffie looked to Cloud for support. He looked between Yuffie's pleading eyes and Shelke's confused ones before responding, "Just a generic eel."

"Eels are hardly generic."

"Look, it can be your favorite kind of eel, okay?"

"Very well."

"So… This eel, uh… He… He comes across a cave at some point in his life, alright?" Shelke nodded. "So… Uhm… Oh, God, I can't do this!" Yuffie stood up and walked away from the table, calling out to the rest of the crowd at the bar, "Let Cloud do it! I can't!"

Cloud looked at Shelke, who just stared back.

"Is there a problem that I should be aware of?"

"No, just… Just stay here, okay?"

"I have no reason to vacate."

"Don't pay attention to him," Yuffie yelled from the back of the bar, where Cloud had just re-entered and headed up the stairs. "Look, I'm helping Tifa look for a book to explain this, okay? Just… Just stay here!"

* * *

The next person to interrupt Shelke's work was Cid, who set down a model rocket and a stretched out cotton ball on the table. "Alright, look," he began with a twang. "Rockets are damn dangerous, and this is why."

Cid picked up the model rocket. "This here is a rocket. Now, when a rocket is ready to launch, it'll go through its series of mechanisms, you know that, right?" Shelke did know that, and nodded emphatically. "So, you know that a cloud is just made up of a bunch of water in the air, right?" Cid held the cotton ball above the upright model. Shelke gave another nod. "Well, when a cloud is in the way of a rocket when a rocket is gonna launch…" Cid gave a small laugh as he pushed the rocket through the thin cotton. "Well, that cloud's gonna get itself an ass full of rocket, innit?" (Over in the corner, Cloud choked on a glass of water.)

"I suppose so," Shelke said.

"Right… So… I need a cig. Be back in a sec."

Cait Sith approached the table and sat next to Shelke.

"Do you have any idea what they're going on about?"

"Only a vague one."

* * *

Barret was gesticulating wildly, as he ranted about gunwork. "So when a man shoots his gun, shit's gonna happen, right? That's _any_ gun, girl. And bullets don't just have to stick. It's usually best when they do somethin'. Not necessarily poison. The opposite can be just as good, sometimes. But it's always gotta be done with the right person. None of that screwing around."

* * *

"Found it!" Yuffie called out, triumphantly, holding a thin book above her head. She threw it down in front of Shelke. "Take a look at that."

Shelke picked up the book and thumbed through it. Small children, accompanied by text describing, "that time of month," "special friends," and, "when you feel ready." Shelke's eyebrows shot up above her bangs.

"Yuffie, I already knew all of this." To Yuffie's dumbfounded face (which Shelke only found just a tiny bit amusing), she added, "In far greater detail than this book provides."

"… Wha…? You're kidding?"

"No, I'm not."

"W-WHO?!"

"Who?"

"Who taught you how to do that?! D-Did _Nero_…?!"

"No, of course not."

"Then… _WEISS_?!?"

"No. Let me explain." Yuffie's mouth snapped shut (a rarity, Shelke was sure). "I shared a wall with Rosso. It wasn't often, but she had men around and it all made sense eventually."

"I told you she was okay with the facts of life, Yuffie," Vincent said, taking a place next to Shelke to see what she was working on.

* * *

I really don't know where this came from.


	4. Rosso and Argent: Roommates

A random chit-chat with ReadingChick brought up the idea of Rosso making up Argent. I just _had_ to go with it, so this came up.

Disclaimer: I don't own Dirge of Cerberus.

* * *

**Roommates**

Argent's knee-jerk reaction to rooming with Rosso Masterton had been horror, followed swiftly by resignation. Rosso, after all, had been the one who pulled up on campus in a red convertible with her European accent ("Romanian," she had purred, with a casual hand-wave) a cheeky double-honk of the horn. Since then, she had developed a reputation for being very smart, but very arrogant and very, _very_ vain. Nearly to the point of being conceited.

Since they were roommates, fairly compatible roommates at that, they did share a social circle: local high school computer genius, Shelke Rui; strong but silent linebacker, Azul Leavy; quiet snarky Nero Eldritch; and his confident, charismatic brother Weiss. They had both found companions within the circle, so neither was truly bothered by the other's presence. In fact, with the added buffers around them, Argent almost found herself enjoying Rosso's audacity.

… Until early April. Shelke was celebrating her college acceptance and Weiss had proposed that they, "make a date out of it." And it seemed that Rosso, who already had Shelke and Argent in her room and more-or-less sedentary, took Weiss' words to heart. At 6:50, Rosso's eyes drifted to the clock, and landed on her roommate, who was reading a book.

"Aren't you going to get ready for your date?"

Argent looked over to Rosso, who was filing her nails with her feet up. "Excuse me?"

"Your date? The one that Weiss has asked you out on?"

"Weiss never suggested something like that," Shelke droned from her usual corner of their room.

"It was in the subtext. You need to look at _his_ eyes, not Nero's." Shelke's cheeks might have flared, as she drove her head a bit closer to the screen. "Anyway, you need to get ready for him."

She scoffed, returning to her book. "That's nonsense. Weiss was not asking me on a date."

"_That_ is nonsense." Rosso took the book out of Argent's hand and threw it across the room where it narrowly missed Shelke. At that moment, Shelke's phone beeped a fast paced song.

"Hello? …Yes." Shelke got up, set her laptop on the ground and padded out of the room.

Following Shelke's exit, Rosso turned back to her roommate with a devious gleam in her eyes. "We need to get you made up."

"Made up?"

Understandably, Argent's tone was tinged with horror. She had seen Rosso's makeup ritual. Flesh-colored powders and liquids, followed swiftly by bright colored eye-shadows in any shade she seemed to want that day. Along with that, she would add a lipstick and some glitter to highlight bits of her face. Then she would be off to class or wherever she was headed.

"Yes, made up. With makeup. I know you have some." Rosso was digging through their shared space under the sink. She made away with a tiny makeup bag, containing only a foundation, neutral eye-shadows and a stick of lip balm. With a disgusted roll of her eyes, Rosso tossed the tiny satchel aside and retrieved her own makeup, a clear cosmetics bag about the size of a purse, from the same location.

"I'm not doing anything with my skin, Rosso. It's fine."

"Oh, I know that. You don't have a blemish on it," she cooed, lightly drawing a sharp nail up the side of Argent's cheek. "I'm quite envious." Argent tried to stand up, only to be pushed downwards quite forcefully. An argument wasn't necessary here. "Your eyes could use some emphasis, though." Argent bit her lower lip. "Don't worry, darling, it will look… Memorable."

The word "memorable" made her cringe internally. "Memorable" was the same word Rosso had used to describe her prank on the incoming freshman of her high school the year that Rosso had graduated. Apparently, she nearly got sued.

Argent decided that this was not the place for an argument. After all, makeup was easily taken off with makeup remover on a cotton ball and Argent luckily had such a combination close at hand. All she needed to do was wait until Rosso was paying attention to her nails again, surreptitiously take the bottle from its hiding place, sneak off to the bathroom, wash the stuff off, and go to meet with the others before Rosso had a chance to notice she was missing.

"Very well. Go ahead."

Rosso's first move was to assemble the things she would need on the counter. A pale pink blush, an eyelash curler and an eyebrow brush were very normal. Things that Argent might have used herself, if she used makeup every day. Even the black mascara, though glittering, and black liquid eyeliner weren't out of the realm of possibility. Then Rosso peered at Argent's face, going so far as stooping down to eye level and getting rather close.

"… Blue, then."

"I'm sorry?"

Rosso stood back up and began rummaging through her bag. "I had initially thought of using green, but a blue would look much better." She placed a light blue tube next to the rest of the items.

"Please tell me that isn't going on my mouth." Argent had never seen Rosso leave the room with any color other than red, pink or coral, but it wouldn't surprise her if Rosso tried to make her do so.

"Of course not," Rosso said, almost laughing. Almost. "It's for your eyes." She set a small compact with two more shades of blue next to it. With another glance at her face (this one much more cursory than the one before it), Rosso set out a tube of lipgloss, in a very normal shade of pink.

All in all, the assembly of products took Rosso about two minutes. She looked at the clock- 6:53- and said, "This needs to be fast."

* * *

Almost eight minutes later, there was a knock at the door that startled both women. Rosso's jolt hadn't smeared anything as far as she could tell (Argent wasn't allowed to see her reflection until Rosso had finished) but that was of no concern to Argent, who still had full plans of washing the entire thing off. The voice that came through the door stopped Argent cold though.

"Argent? Open the door! It's Weiss!"

Rosso's face, initially scrunched up in concentration of applying the final coat of lipgloss, smoothed out into a manic grin. "Go on, then. He's waiting."

Argent was torn between running to get the door and speeding to the sink to take it all off. Rosso pulled Argent up by the shoulders and steered her towards the door. She caught a fleeting look at herself in the mirror: An icy blue on her eyelids, glossy pink mouth agape. As Rosso threw open the door, Weiss looked momentarily startled and then looked down at the two in front of him.

"Wow…" He blinked once, slowly. Twice. "Uhm… Wow."

"Doesn't she look good?"

Argent could feel her cheeks getting warmer as Weiss inspected her carefully. Eventually, he said. "Almost perfect." With that, he reached forward and undid the top two buttons of her collared shirt, revealing the faintest hint of her cleavage. "Now she looks perfect."

She could almost _hear_ Rosso's smug grin as the words, "Rosso did it," popped out of her mouth.

"I'll be sure to thank her later."

"Happy very early birthday," she crooned as she gave Argent a little push (conveniently into Weiss' chest) and closed the door behind her.

* * *

Note: All the cosmetics Rosso used are real and I actually own some of them. My Livejournal has the details of what products and colors they are.


End file.
